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 I am 99.9% sure that no one I know reads this anymore.  Which is okay with me, because now I don't have to watch what I say.  I can be 100% real, myself, uninhibited, unedited.  There are not many (if any) places or people with whom I can be that way.

I just read and heard some stuff that kind of upset me.  Made me realize that I can't depend on many people.  I can't organize my thoughts and feelings very well at all right now.  I've been moving all day and I'm sore and exhausted, I just don't know what to do with myself right now.  I've spent a lot of time with my family the past 3 weeks or so, and though they drive me crazy and stress me out and make me mad, I've discovered that I can always count on them...my mom mainly.  Parents, actually.  I finally worked up the courage to get in touch with my dad, after, I don't even know how many years.  Sure, I had a reason, but he didn't care, he was just so glad we finally got in touch and that I wanted him to be a part of my life; that's another story for another night though.  All I know is that my brother and I have both talked to him recently and he is excited to become a more active figure in our lives.

But my mom is amazing.  Like I said, she definitely drives me crazy sometimes but everything she does for so many people, it is extraordinary.  She has such a loving and giving heart and I can only hope to be half as passionate as she is.  I can always count on my mom and I am so blessed to have her.  That kind of came out of no where, but I realize I don't think about stuff like that enough.  I take it and her for granted and I tend to concentrate 1) on myself, and 2) on the annoying things people do that bug me.  I should be spending my time appreciating the people that I don't like so much and get on my nerves.  I'm selfish.  And I hate being selfish.  Even if I'm not selfish in other respects, I need to be much more grateful and appreciative of the people in my life, whether I want them there or not, whether I know why they're there or not.

Somehow, I think I've gone off on a tangent.  This was not what I was feeling or thinking when I started this entry.  I was feeling upset because I found out that a person who is pretty important to me does not consider me very important to them.  I just wanted to talk, rant, weep, whatever.  I had expected an more angsty, depressing tone to this entry.  I was heading in that direction but got caught up talking about family I think.  But I don't want to get into that now.  Because I can't talk about it without crying a lot, and I'm in a very small apartment with my family, my mom's asleep and my brother's watching TV and I just don't want to get caught crying at 1 am by myself, all pathetic-like.  And all this has been building and culminating and swimming around in my mind since about December and I haven't yet had the guts to completely spill my guts to anything or anyone outside the air when no one else is around; usually an empty apartment or practice room.  So I do what I do best, put it out of my mind and focus on the moment.  Namely, living in it.

I keep making myself think about happiness and what I want in the moment and at the end of the day.  This deep thinking and soul searching was initiated by (surprise) music; lyrics from a song:

If you could be anywhere that you wanted to be
With anyone that you wanted to be with
Do anything that you wanted to do
What would it be and who would it be with you
Time flies but you’re the pilot
It moves real fast but you’re the driver
You may crash and burn sometimes

The first line that grabbed my attention was the line about time flying and me being the pilot, because I'm a little obsessed with flying, airplanes, pilots, being suspended in mid-air, parachutes, etc and then this whole passage got me thinking.  Which is usually dangerous for my emotional stability.  8 times out of 10.  And I have discovered that I don't really know exactly what makes me happy; what I really and truly want.  I can't remove myself from my own subjective life enough to consider what I could have, what my life could be, who I could be.  These should be very simple questions.  And I think they are deceptively simple.  It's a process.  Why is everything nowadays a process? Why can't it just be? Off topic.  Anyways, I know some things I want.  But why can't I be sure that I will get those things?  Can I get a sign, or a hint or something? Now I feel like Anastasia.  ANYTHING! Actually this would be a great time for a little puppy to show up and point the way to what I want! I always wanted a puppy! Still do.  If a little Pooka showed up and took me to a guy, a truck and an alto trombone, I'd be the happiest girl in the world! Wouldn't ask for anything else.

Wow, this is long.  Anyways, all this to say, I'm trying to find my way to happiness with what I've got.  And I'm doing that at the advice of, get ready for this, a fortune cookie.  Yes, I am embarrassed at this, but it's a good little reminder and I keep it in my wallet.  The fortune, that is, not the cookie.  It reads: "Happiness does not come from what you want, it's from what you've got."  I took this little fortune as a sign, like what I was talking about with Anastasia; I got that fortune when I was having a really bad day, I couldn't stop thinking about these terrible things and I was just in a funk, so I got some Chinese food and got this fortune, and it just really hit me hard.  Like a brick.  "Hey! Stupid! Just be okay with what you have now! Better things will come later!"  I don't know when that will be nor what it will be (any of the 3 listed above would be fine with me!) but for now, I'm just trying to do what the little slip of paper says.  And I was upset earlier because I was not doing that; I was wishing I had what other people have.

I think happiness is also a goal; that we are working towards and trying to achieve our own happiness; but can you be happy now if you're always trying to ensure happiness in the future? Do your ideas of happiness change over time? Are you going to want the same things at 35 that you wanted at 21? Have you gotten all the things your 9-year-old self wanted?  Who knows.  Everyone is different.  I just know that I am trying to live and be happy in the moment.  It doesn't always work out the way I want, but my ultimate goal is to make the next moment a little better than the last.



Day 30

Well, I have reached the end.  Yes, there were many a gap and I'm pretty sure I missed more posts than I actually did on time.  But I am finishing, which I was determined to do.  This has been a fun way to make me think about my music tastes and collection; and has allowed me to re-discover some of my forgotten loves.  Anyway, it's been fun.  Last one...

Day 30: your favorite song this time last year
I was supposed to have done this two weeks ago, but I'm pretty sure the song is the same now as it was then.  This time last year, I remember being obsessed with this one song.  I probably had several favorite songs at this time, but this one is by far the favorite and most memorable.  It is definitely still in the Top 10 of my Top 25 Most Played songs playlist.  I was a little obsessed with this entire album for a while last year.  It is epic.  And this is an epic video; I just watched it for the first time but it is cool.  The song is only about 6 minutes, but there are about 3 minutes of credits with cool music.  Here's "Kings and Queens" by 30 Seconds to Mars, from their album This is War.

It still gives me chills.

Day 29, plus 2 weeks

 Better late than never, right?

Day 29: a song from your childhood
Luckily this song did not change from when I was supposed to have done this. I remember listening to this song in the car, this whole cassette tape actually (yeah, this was the time of cassette tapes!) on trips and stuff. And this was always my favorite because it's about Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin and that whole crew! Yes, Kenny Loggins "Return to Pooh Corner." Kenny Loggins is one of those artists who is the basis of my musical tastes and I love him a lot, and that's because my mom loves him, so naturally, I grew up listening to him. Such is also the case with Styx, James Taylor, the Bangles, Elton John, Journey, Billy Joel, Starship, etc. But Pooh Corner first came to mind when I saw a song from my childhood!

Watching that almost made me cry! I miss Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin and being a little kid! When I get married, my husband will learn to play this song and will sing it to our children. I wanna curl up in my bed and read Harry Potter and watch Disney movies forever now.

I know, major fail

I failed to finish out the music meme in time.  I am graduated.  Officially a real person.  Sort of.  I'm in grad school, so technically not all the way a real person.  Though I will be paying rent and bills, so that does contribute to the real person-ness.  But that's no excuse for not listening to music.  So I'm picking up where I left off 2 weeks ago.

Day 28: a song that makes you feel guilty

This was kinda difficult.  I couldn't really pinpoint particular songs that make me feel guilty, so I thought about what actually makes me guilty.  I know that I hate hurting people.  Really hate making people feel bad and letting them down; I'm terrible at guilt trips.  It makes me feel selfish, which, in turn, just makes me feel guilty.  So the song that I thought of was "Things I Never Needed" by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  I'm probably not interpreting the lyrics right, but for me, not all songs are just about the lyrics.  I just know that this song tends to make me feel uncomfortable and selfish and not very good about myself.

I'll finish the rest of the meme this weekend, I promise.  Just two songs left!

Done with college!!!

Until June 16th.   I should say I'm done with undergraduate college.  I'm starting grad school in 41 days.  But I took l my last exam of my undergraduate career this morning.  Music History before 1650.  Old music.  Yeah, but I found oddly interesting.  I enjoyed this class and the music we studied.  But I'm pretty sure I'm no where near normal when it comes to taste in music.  Speaking of music, I, again, am a day behind.  But my day yesterday was absolutely crazy, filled with freaking out about Asian music and music before 1650 and crazy mad studying and work.  But I'm done now.  The only freaking out I'm doing is about graduation and moving and the next year of my life and how I want it to be over but I don't all at the same time. I'm actually really excited about the school part! But the people I committed to living with kind of drive me nuts; one in particular.  A whole year.  That's a long time.

Anywho.  Music.  Day 28: a song you wish you could play on an instrument.
I've always wanted to be able to play the guitar and the piano.  And play them well.  I'm working on it.  So I wish I could play a lot of songs by Five for Fighting because John Ondrasik is an amazing pianist.  He rocks.  But in an effort to not repeat artists throughout this meme, I'm going to pick one of the guitar players I wish I could play like.  I gotta say John Mayer.  I don't like all of this music but some of his songs are just awesome.  One of my favorites, that I wish I could play is "Heart of Life"

I'll do my other songs in another post because I need to go!

Paper break!

It took me 4 four attempts just to type paper break.  That is sad.  I'm allowing myself a short break from my asian music paper to update the music meme that I, yet again, did not do yesterday.   I didn't forget, I thought of my song for the day, I just didn't have time and ended up crashing with a friend due to a thunderstorm I did not see coming, so I wasn't at my computer to update before bed, I like I usually do, so it didn't get done.  That was a long, likely incoherent sentence.  I don't care.  I'm overdosed on thinking about grammar and words and sentences.  Which is bad because I still have half of this paper to write.  Okay, I am going to stop rambling now because I want to get to this music becaaaauuusssseee...

Yesterday's song, Day 25, was a song that makes you laugh! And I could use a laugh right now.  So here is

David After Dentist REMIX!!!!!

I love that kid!

Now, today's song.  I can't believe it's Day 26.  That mean four days until I graduate from The Best University in the Entire World.  Crazy.  Anyway, 26: a song you can play on an instrument.

Ba ha ha.  There are so many.  This is crazy.  There are times when I've spent hours in a practice room just playing my favorite songs on the trombone.  Good times.  Most recently though, I was going to practice alto trombone, and I was in the car with my roommate and "Teenage Dream" came on the radio, and she told me it was gonna get stuck in my head, which is right, because that song always gets stuck in my head.  Then she told me I should try to play it on my trombone and I was like, "Okay, I'll figure it out.  Like that time I played Party in the USA on the trombone."  Yes, I did that too.  Anyway, I actually surpassed the presented challenge and played "Teenage Dream" on the alto trombone, which is in a whole different key from regular, tenor trombone.  I played it along with Katy Perry and I even got the key (of the song) right the first time! Perfect pitch for the win.  Hence, the song I am posting tonight is (a funny video of this kid lip-syncing to) Katy Perry, "Teenage Dream."

Stuck in my head again.

Day 24

Today's song is a song you want to play at your funeral.  This is morbid.  I don't want to think about what I want to be played at my funeral.  I'm hoping that's a ways off.  I have no idea about how to approach thinking about this.  Honestly, I don't know what I would want people to hear.

I had a couple songs pop into my head pretty quickly, but I'm not sure they're right.  One of them though, I like.  It's not exactly meant for this occasion, but what song is really?  I think it's appropriate and lets the people I love know how I would feel.

Rascal Flatts - "My Wish"

Day 23

Down to one week.  This is really weird.  I realized that one week from right now, I won't be living where I am right now and I will be a freakin college graduate.  I'll be a graduate student too, but there's no under in there.  I will be a graduate.  Oh, scary.  Scary.

The future is scary.  On the subject of the future, today's song is a song you want to play at your wedding.  My wedding is no where near the near future like graduating is.  Buuutttt that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.  Which is annoying because I don't have time to daydream about such silly, ridiculous, unreal stuff.  And it's not like I'm thinking about the song I'm going to post, because I chose that song a while ago.  I'm thinking about other depressing things, like how I'm not even close to the relationship continent, and I'm not getting a passport to go there anytime soon.  Which is sad, because I love flying and I want to go to that far away place.  But at the same time, I don't know that I'm ready to go there; I don't have the time, I can't decide what I want from there and I don't want to go for the wrong reasons.  Okay, metaphor is over.  Getting too deep.  I think it was a pretty good one, if I do say so myself.  Moving right along to the music.

Day 23: a song you want to play at your wedding
A few weeks ago, my roommate asked me if I was going to walk down the aisle to any song other than the wedding march, what song would it be?  I had never really thought about it, because I've kinda always thought I wanted to walk down the aisle to a brass quintet and/or organ playing this drastic, epic version of the wedding march.  But she got me thinking and, despite my love for brass instruments combined with organ, I think I might not want such a huge production just to walk 25 feet.  I don't know.  I could change my mind.  I have no idea what I'll want whenever that time comes.  Nonetheless, I know the song I would walk to.  This would be my song, I'm not convincing or fighting my guy for it, because I'd be walking to it; he'd just be standing there.  My song.  It's from the soundtrack to The Perfect Storm; this is my favorite soundtrack hands down, and this song is co-composed by James Horner and John Mellencamp and sung by Mellencamp.  It's called Yours Forever.

The movie and this video are really sad, but the music is absolutely fantastic.  I feel like I'm out at sea when I listen to it.

Catching up!

Three songs today and I'll be caught up! No more fail.  Just music!

Day 20 (this was supposed to be Thursday): a song you listen to when you're angry
This takes me back to my angsty high school days.  3 Doors Down does that to me.  Sarah Yellin' is one of my oldest angry songs.


Day 21: a song you listen to when you're happy
I listen to happy music when I'm happy! And some of the happiest music I've ever heard is Owl City.  It's the kind of happy music that you just want to jump around and be happy to.  But it's not really the kind of happy music I would expect to cheer me up.  It's happy music for when I'm already happy.  OK, that may have been a little over the top for an explanation.

The Technicolor Phase by Owl City!

And, finally, today's song! Thought I'd never get there.
Day 22: a song you listen to when you're sad.
The song I'm thinking of is not a sad song.  It's a song that makes me think and cheers me up when I'm sad.  It really is a pretty happy, uplifting song, and puts things in perspective for me.  I love it and I love John Ondrasik and Five for Fighting! This is Story of Your Life by Five for FIghting

I feel so much better now.  I'm caught up and I just listened to two songs that make me feel good  :)

Busy busy busy

I'm so behind! I've missed (I lost count...going back to check...) 5 days now I think! It was the last week of classes and the start of finals and everything has been crazy and I just haven't had the time to sit down and ramble and talk about music lately!    D:  I know.  It is now 9 days until graduation!  Technically 8, but I haven't gone to sleep, so it's still Friday (Frieday Frieday gotta get down on Frieday!).  Shutting up now.  Lotsa music to get through.

Day 17 (4 days ago, Monday): a song you often hear on the radio
I honestly don't really listen to current radio much.  Most of the music I listen to is via my music collection, Pandora, grooveshark, or sound cloud...and what other people listen to.  Yeah, I'm a listening thief.  I kind of know what's popular now because I try to make a point to keep up with it, but I'm torn between posting a song that I think I would often hear on the radio, if I listened to the radio, or posting a song I actually heard a lot when I used to listen to the radio.  I think I'll go with the latter.  And the song I'm picking is my favorite song I used to love hearing on the radio because I could sing along and go "LAAAAAAAAAAAA la la la la laaaaaaaaa LAA la la la LA laaaaa La la la la LAAAAA"  Props to you if you know the song I'm talking about just based off that.  But no one probably does.  It's "Crocodile Rock" by Elton John!

Day 18  (Tuesday, 3 days ago):  a song you wish you heard on the radio
I really wish there was more instrumental music played on the radio.  I know you're thinking typical classical music major.  For once, I'm not talking about Beethoven or Schubert or Vivaldi.  But there are a lot of instrumental alternative, rock groups that are up and coming and some of them are really good! They should be appreciated and get radio time too! This one guy I've found, Bruce Bowser, does some really cool instrumental rock music.  

Day 19 (Wednesday):  a song from your favorite album
I can't pick favorites.  There is far too much music out there for me to pick just one absolute favorite of everything.  Don't have a favorite album; have lots of favorite albums.  I guess I realize my very favorite albums are the ones that I can listen to without wanting to skip a song; I like every song and can just listen to it straight through without realizing it.  Daughtry's Leave This Town is one of those albums; love every song!  Soooo, here's (just picking a random song) "Every Time You Turn Around."

I'm gonna split this into another post.  This is a lot of awesome music for one entry!